Making Things Is Very Hard

Hoorgh. Alright, h-here we go.

As you may have noticed, I haven’t been here in a very, very long while. At this point almost every post I make here is heralded with that remark, and by now I’m sure what rare few even remember this place exists or stumbled into it from the countless links I’ve scattered about in eons past know that any remarks I make about how I’m doing my best to return here on a regular basis is about it’s worth in… well, something that isn’t worth much at all. Sand? Tardigrades? Bitcoin? Something. Something not good in the slightest.

Now, to begin, why I’ve been very absent. Primarily it’s life things, but also it’s me being rather tired of just… everything as of late. I’ve always had depression, but it’s never been this… thick and permanent before. Even during the good times, there’s been this thick fog that’s made it hard to do just about anything productive under my own willpower. I’ve been dreary and sleepy and been flopping around in bed for the better part of each day, and my health is also starting to deteriorate a little bit because of all this, too. I’m not sure why exactly this fog has grown heavier, but maybe it’s just the next stage in development. I’m not as… well, tragic as I used to be when this mental plague first manifested on my person, there’s not this dreadful sensation that always lingered in middle and high school. And I certainly don’t break down, I’m just… tired, more than I should be. And as I lie here in my bedroom like some beached fish of some variety, I’m getting a little tired of being so tired, if that makes an ounce of sense. So with one heavy push, here I am, trying to get myself into a rhythm of things yet again. And while I wouldn’t put any chips down, I really hope this is the one to do it, y’know?

It’s not all been bad news, either. A lot of changes have happened in my life since my last posting here, like trying to go out and expand to some new communities. I can’t say the results have been… perfect, but reaching out a little to new online spaces and people has certainly been very beneficial (if not without its discomforts). I’m trying to catch up with older friends I once knew, the ones that can still stand talking to me, anyway. It’s been a trial in of itself, but a necessary step in personal growth. Some communities have turned out to be less than friendly, and others haven’t been keen on seeing my face a second time, but as they say, an omelette isn’t made without a few eggs breaking. (Even though I find omelettes kind of gross…) So I’m getting into a better place despite some awful bumps along the way. Additionally, I’m trying to go out on walks more simply for my physical health, though results are… mixed, currently. Pokemon GO has been a surprising motivator for me getting outside, though not as of late simply due to how blisteringly cold it gets out during the night. And since I never can wake up when the sun is high in the sky, my excursions are limited to night walks. And as thus, with the past few months being very, very cold, I’ve had to put off that routine. But spring is just around the corner, I even saw birds flock back to the trees outside my windows this morning (er, afternoon, rather), so hopefully as things warm up I’ll be able to traverse outside again. I’ve even been broadening my horizons in terms of hobbies, new games and new franchises have become impressive obsessions. Through that, I’ve learnt a lot about myself, particularly that I like to perform extensive research on things I enjoy to obsessive degrees. Warframe, Monster Hunter, and now the (remarkably unstable) world of Anthem have had many nights of devoted research, sometimes even into realms of language I don’t really grasp. And there’s been a lot of other small developments, despite a lack of… well, activity. So it’s not all bad, r-right?

And in the college department, while those that follow me elsewhere are already aware of this, the college in Maine turned out to be dramatically more expensive than previously anticipated, and as thus Community College had no real purpose. So after a few shaky months of rethinking that plan, I’m looking local. But thanks to a “Notorious Incident” back in high school senior year, the plans are complicated. Luckily, it turns out a two-year college for people who have sort of lost their way in life is literally two blocks away from us. So this Fall Semester, I’ll be attending. It’s small and homely, and also due to bizzare planning, mostly underground. Hopefully after two years there, I’ll know where to transfer for the next few years, most likely a professional (and tragically local) art college. Hopefully it’s just far away enough from family not to merit frequent visits…

And lastly, all these events were pinnacled by… Librus finding love. That’s right! I have a very sweet boyfriend now. For the sake of his modesty I won’t be openly revealing who he is, but he’s someone I’ve had my eye on for quite a while, even to a point I didn’t actually know I was crushing madly on him all those years ago. He and I have had a long, winding history, but it honestly surprised me (and him as well, probably!) when we started talking about our feelings and… well, that led to some heartfelt confessions from both parties. I’m very, very fortunate to have such a sweet partner! I know a relationship is never a cure-all for personal and emotional problems, but with someone this wise and kind at my side (and constantly drilling good advice into my thick skull), I think I can really get a grip on things with his help. So overall, things in a grander sense are improving immensely (I mean, who thought a poor sap like me would be worthy enough to have his dream boy confess to him? And go on dates? Talk about a good plot twist… I still can’t quite believe it myself, actually. Am I still dreaming? He’s so cute…) He’s even been the reason why I’ve been looking for new communities and going on walks, even. Turns out having someone you love tell you to do something is a pretty effective motivator, just so you can see them smile. I know I’m being an utter sap, going on and on about lovey-dovey nonsense, but… I’m just so happy and lucky to have had this turn of events.

So, overall, things are getting better, though on an introspective scale, things aren’t as all flowers and sunshine. My beloved still lives an impressive distance from me, so I can’t hug him for emotional restoration constantly, and as thus the improvements and motivation currently come down to myself directly, which is… daunting. But (hopefully) doable. So here I am, for the… what, sixth time? Dramatically more if you remember the old Mechapress.

So, what’s the plan, exactly? Primarily, just make more things again. I’d rather feel tired from being busy writing or drawing all day rather than… being inert like I’ve been for most of the year so far. I’m not saying it’s a solid or easy plan, exactly, but I want to eventually crank out content regularly enough to monetize this. I want to turn my hobbies into professions. “Making a Living” should work a pretty solid force to keep me going, so eventually this can become perpetual. It’s an… optimistic outlook, sure, but lots of people I admire are following this path to fulfillment and… not being homeless, and I figure I may as well try my hand at it, too, right? After all, I have lots of ideas on making neat and interesting things, and assuming I actually made them… maybe some people would also pay a small fee to keep things going? Make a name for myself and all that. Maybe one day this place could be quite bustling and full of activity (and actual comments) I know it’s… ambitious and maybe even stupidly hopeful, but it’s the clearest path to me right now for a happy and fulfilling future. It’s even possible that my boyfriend and I could collaborate on some projects, so… the possibilities certainly exist! So, sound the trumpets, because here comes a bullet point list. 

THINGS LIBRUS IS PLANNING TO WORK ON AGAIN-

• More Drawings: Good lord is the gallery a bit dated. Nothing new for years. It’s time I get back into practice and at least have something there on a basis of every few months at least. Photoshop is turning into less and less of an illustration program, and the ironically named “illustrator” isn’t really making the cut either. So while Photoshop still is my current means of producing pretty pictures, I’m looking into alternative and more… popular means. But nothing confirmed just yet. One possible idea is drawing rough copies in pencil and tracing online, but also… isn’t that just twice the work? So we’ll see… hopefully sooner and not later. Suggestions welcome! In fact, more… desperately needed.
• More Blogging: Do people still say blogging anymore? Is that still a thing? It sounds like the word has grown stale. Anyway, yes, just more overall posting here.
• #BRINGBACKITHALIS: I deleted that poor construct’s Twitter account out of shame a long time ago, and it’s about time we do him justice and bring back that account along with his promised musings. That banner up above was set to change between many others, more and more appearing as the subjects he discussed increased, but right now it’s been stagnant and… honestly confusing. That really does need to change, though that’ll probably happen on an infrequent schedule at first.
• Update All The Things: Certain pages and descriptors need some polish and new context. Simple as that. Maybe even some pretty pictures, if that can be done.
• Bring Back The Chronicles: The Cobalt Chronicles have gotten a disgusting lack of updates and refreshes as of… well, for the past few years. A lot of writing I could redo and things to fix. It’s honestly one of my more serious writings, full of emotional stuff and personal feelings, so I feel like I should come back to it every now and then. Plus, I remember when people actually looked forward to new chapters… So while I’ll probably just clean up the place at first, you can expect new chapters in the coming weeks! This, I do very much promise.
• Hobbies + Projects = Profit: There’s a lot of things I do and love aside from just writing all day. Mixing up the variety could maybe help me not grow so tired so easily. I have ideas on how to jump on my gaming hobbies, and maybe even… revisit the video front. I’m not sure about YouTube, but we’ll see what there is out there, and if anyone is interested in… videos of me talking for half an hour about nonsense I’m passionate about. Maybe even getting angry like all the cool people do in videos, since that’s apparently how you get an audience.
• Fix My Scheduling: Currently, if I decide to write or draw, the effort takes most of the entire day, and I feel awful. Part of that is being so bedridden, and the other is to learn about pacing and when to stop to take breaks. I’ve never been good at either, but this is important if I actually want to produce content again. I can’t stand leaving something unfinished, and that’s leading to so many problems that it’s a habit I best learn how to discard. It’s really hard, especially since I get all anxiety’d up over an unfinished thing, but… well, it’s something that needs to be done.

It’s a comprehensive list, to be sure, maybe even the most comprehensive list I’ve ever made for myself. And the long-term-plans here certainly make this daunting… but this is stuff I really, really should do. I’ve met a lot of wonderful people, and one very special person, and I think they can also help me over some of these hurdles. So… here’s hoping, everyone! Tomorrow, we’ll hopefully see this site get scrubbed up and some posts moved around. And if there’s time, some other things updated in other places. Tiny steps, just to avoid tuckering myself out and going dark for another… most-of-a-year. So here’s hoping, everyone! And I thank you for your current and future support. Really, I do!